28 October 2011

Hip new subculture: Klaxophiles!

Observation: those who complain about the rudeness of others are, quite often, rude themselves.

So to avoid the barbed net of hypocrisy. I will address the following phenomenon...

...which I will term, "Klaxophilia", as a widespread lifestyle choice I've yet to understand. In fact, this post is addressed to Klaxophiles. So as a fellow driver, I have a few questions about your exciting subculture.

1. Are you genuinely more important than everybody else?

Before the industrial revolution, it was a fact of life that some people were just born better than others. Since it seems the primary purpose of a car horn is to put your interest above everybody else's, other drivers, pedestrians or people who happen live on a street, I guess it's because you're nobility.

Naturally, the gentry has places to go and the ugly unwashed peasantry known as everybody else are standing in the way of their betters!

But I'm still unclear as to the specifics, I mean, I have a car horn too. If I sound that, does that ennoble me, or is there a formal ceremony involving the giving of title first that I have to undergo? What the rate of conversion for nobility these days? If I scream in someone's face, does that at least make me a baron?

2. What is the secret horn-code?

There's all sorts of legitimate reasons to sound a horn, to alert other drivers they're driving poorly, chastise drivers for driving too slow, tell pedestrians they're walking too slow, to alert passengers to come out of the house, just to say hi, and on rare occasion, to prevent an auto accident.

I suffer from crippling car-racism. You see, all car horns sound alike to me, kinda like a loud pitch in F sharp . So , could one of you kindly Klaxophiles can direct me to a chart to distinguish between the F-sharp pitch that means " you probably should turn on your headlights" and the F-sharp pitch that means "I'm sorry to alert everybody in the vicinity, but this bicyclist is pedaling too slow"?

Actually, the one part of code I'm really interested in is the F-sharp pitches concerned with avoiding auto collisions, but there's just so many horn sounds nowadays, I hope you can understand how a poor unenlightened car-racist like my self can get confused.

3. Is high-volume communication really the wave of the future?

Yeah, I grew up in a backwards household. I really don't get texting, I'm still not on the bandwagon with skype or video conferencing , either, so it could be that loud noises are the next wave of communication.

Once again, I'm perplexed. Is it still okay to ring somebody's doorbell, or is it more modern to break into their home and pull the fire alarm? Is a handshake still in vouge as a way to greet somebody, or do I have to upgrade to an airhorn? If I get the latest airhorn for greetings, how do I know if it's compatible with the steam whistle I use to reserve tables at restaurants? Do the latest air raid sirens have an app for Angry birds? Cause, honestly, that'd be pretty cool.

Some who aren't familiar with my grave manner and reputation for sincerity might I'm being sarcastic. Which would bring me dangerously close to that hypocrisy net , implying that Klaxophiles aren't a post-modern royal subculture on the cutting edge of communications technology, but really a mob of inconsiderate jerks who put their petty impatiences above the concerns of everybody present. And maybe I'm doing the same thing here by saying "fuck you" to everybody who sounds a vehicle horn, but at least I'm not saying it at 109 decibels.

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